Debian "Etch" 1.0 Game Review
by Stephen Ray-Vaughn-Nichols
After Microsoft recently released Vista (Spanish for 'guacamole horriblé,' which
is also Spanish), the Debian gaming community decided that they needed to
respond with a new version of their video game, named 'Etch' to respond to
Microsoft's new worldwide gold standard for computer gaming. The name
"Etch" has its origins in the medieval and
satanic German verb 'ätzen'
(1625–35), which means 'to eat,
graze' in reference to Debian's relentless illegal absorption of Windows
intellectual property. The Linux (pronounced 'Teh Li-nux') gaming system,
which coincidentally runs a very pixelated penguin game also called 'The Linux,'
is more like a Macintosh puzzle game than a real Windows game. With the
timing of Etch's 1.0 release, Debian Etch represents a stifling blanket response
to Easter by replacing rabbit games with penguin games. A little known
fact is that Debian recursively stands for 'Debian Will Not Stand For Easter.'
With Etch release 1.0 out, future versions of the Etch game should ideally fix
the bugs I reveal in this article. If it does not, I definitely recommend
buying a Microsoft Zune mp3 player for security and, more importantly, fashion
reasons.
To begin installing Debian, I purchased a 7 CD game set from Ebay for $29.
Seemed cheap enough I thought, but I was sorely disappointed when it
arrived. There was no joystick or anything! I couldn't even figure
out if it was an XBox or Playstation game. Strike one!
The Debian GUI installer would be completely unintuitive to someone who wasn't
familiar with the text based Debian installer, and vice-versa. Look, I
know the Debian guys say they have worked
on the installer, but really, I don't see it. It's still
way too complicated. I mean it asks
me all these questions about drivers and partitions and stuff. When I
installed cygwin on my Windows box, I had to download
one single EXE file, then there was
one single window where I had to check off
a few things. Why couldn't Debian be that simple?
Debian copied Red Hat's 'Royal Partition Modifier (Rectal Polyp Massager?)'
(RPM), making their own version called the 'Deb.' Deb is a reference to
the debits to your credit card that will occur after you use any of its
available insecure browsers, such as IceWolverine, or that other one.
Installing RPM software with Debian is easy, but potentially painful. You
use a tool call APT (Anal Probing Tool) to install software on your Debian
system. It's often an uncomfortable experience, so you may want to try
Fedora's competing YUM tool to install your RPMs. To do this, you must
install Fedora also, which I used as reference for the rest of this
review. Anyway, if you stick with Debian, APT will automatically download
RPMs for you, renaming them 'deb' in the process, so that APT knows that they're
supposed to be installed.
Some aspects of Debian are very backward. For instance, sometimes software
comes with extra programs that are designed to enhance the user's
experience. On the rare occasions when the main programs install at all,
these extra programs, like Bonzai Buddy, or Gator Desktop (made by Google)
almost never work. And Debian doesn't even come with Windows Update.
If you want to use necessary American business software like Outlook, you need
to buy something from a liquor store in order to use it.
I want to berate Etch for not including Beagle++, which I simply must have, but
really have no idea what it is. I've read a lot of websites talking about
it, so it must be pretty good. I tried running Halo 2, Final Fantasy X,
Guitar Hero, Gears of War, Zelda: Twilight Princess and S.T.A.L.K.E.R. on this
latest version of Debian, and none of them worked. Absolutely
none of them. This only goes to prove
that Debian is a lousy gaming system. How do they expect to compete with
Enterprise Ready gaming systems like Vista with these sorts of
limitations? Strike two!
And don't get me started about drivers. I have this fancy brand-new
expensive nVidia video card. I had to go find some 'repository' and then
figure out how to run 'apt-get' or something. With Vista, all I had to do
was get a USB stick (because the network drivers don't "take") and walk it over
to my other machine and get a beta account on the nVidia site, and sign the NDA
and wait for my email response and then find the right driver to download, and
then I downloaded it and put it on the USB stick (well, I had to take it back
off the USB stick because it wasn't recognized by Vista, and I had to burn it to
a CD, but it's basically the same thing), and then I just had to run the
installer and agree to the License Agreement and then make sure I went into the
registry and set the keys that let me install an unsigned driver, and then the
video card worked fine. Why can't Debian be that easy? The answer is
"Communism" ... read on.
Once I did get Debian drivers for my video card installed, I was a little bit
impressed with the fact that its GUI let me use transparent windows in some
cases. It's a widely known fact that Vista invented transparent windows,
so for Debian to have copied this feature so raipdly demonstrates some
initiative on the part of the developers. While Vista users take them for
granted, it's common knowledge that transparent windows are a
critical piece of an Enterprise-Ready
gaming system.
The biggest disadvantage of using Debian to install all of your drivers is that,
unlike Vista, it will let you install 'unsigned' drivers. 'Unsigned' means
that generally they have a virus, which can destroy your computer. This is
why there are many more Windows machines on the Internet than Debian
machines. As soon as a Debian machine gets put on the internet, it will
generally get a virus and be used to send spam, sell Viagra, and distribute
kiddie porn. Because it gets viruses and other bugs as soon as it's
connected to the Internet, it's often referred to as 'Open Sores'.
Another problem with Debian is that you can't get commercial support for
it. If a Windows game ever breaks, you can call up Microsoft and they can
get you back up and gaming in no time. With Debian you have to connect to
the internet and go into a 'chat room' -- that's right, the same place where
perverts and pedophiles hang out -- before you can find anyone to help you.
Alternatively, you can try to find help on one of like a thousand different
websites. Good luck trying to figure out which one to use when there are
so many! As a sign that The Linux is starting to mature, Linux Genuine
Advantage has been recently made available. However, even with LGA, Debian
has a long way to go before it performs as well as Vista for any true gaming
experience.
I found Debian's lack of credit given to Ubuntu disturbing, since Linux started
in Africa. (I did more research after someone told me the explanation in
the first paragraph of this article wasn't totally accurate.) Everyone
knows that Debian was founded in Africa, by a wealthy 5 hit die Lich from the
Sudan, but everyone probably doesn't know that the scheme Debian uses for
naming its different versions comes from ancient Sumerian, 'Etch' being the name
of a particularly nasty variant of tapeworm that plagued the people of
Mesopotamia. The name 'Debian' comes from the African word that means
'thief,' indicating that Debian is going to 'steal' users from other operating
systems. It's also a sort of play on words as to the origin of Debian,
which was created by a team of African software developers who wanted to show
that they could write an Operating System without having to steal anything from
Microsoft. That said, because Microsoft is partially funded by its own
advertising revenue, not using Windows is tantamount to having stolen your
computer. The Debian swirl was inspired by the delectable swirls in a Lil'
Debbie Swiss Cake Roll, which isn't African, cake, or an African cake at
all. Being Swiss, it's also anti-American. Now I need to get me some
cake. Perdon...
Okay I'm back. Obtaining Ubuntu Debian Etch Ultimate Gaming Edition
requires the use of a software piracy and virus dissemination tool called
BitTorrent, which was developed by a group of young swedish hippie socialists
and their attorney, named Bram Stoker. First, one is required to download
a 'torrent' file, which is actually a virulent trojan that allows
anyone to upload data to your
computer. Once enough people upload scheisse videos and barnyard
pornography to your disk drive, the BitTorrent program will send each connected
user your credit card information and then assemble the uploaded content into
the Ubuntu Debian Etch Ultimate Edition installation CD image.
Alternatively, you can obtain 'Crebian' (credit-ebian as opposed to the unstable
community debit-ebian), the Enterprise version of Debian (aka Ubuntu), by paying
Novell, which pays Microsoft, which uses the money to graciously install real
operating systems which are shipped for free with most systems.
The
reason that Debian is dangerous is because, unlike Vista, it can be used to
steal music and movies, which can destroy the American economy before you can
add up BILL GATES in ASCII (and add three because he's BILL GATES the
3rd). That's why most Debian developers are not Americans. Debian
users are software pirates because they don't purchase Microsoft licenses for
their operating system. This piracy is responsible for the death of
millions in Africa, resulting from reduced funding for the Gates Foundation.
When not engaging in lewd behavior with flora or promoting his
Communist/Socialist ideas, known Communist and hippie-poseur Richard Stallman
occasionally assists by customizing, or 'packaging,' Open Source software.
Debian is still the only group of software developers who still believe that
Richard Stallman invented programming. Everyone else now correctly credits
Bill Gates for having done so. Debian developers to this day still
separate themselves from the rest of the Linux community by their pride in not
stealing from other operating systems to build their version of Linux.
(All the other versions are based directly on Windows.) This is known as
the 'Debian Free Software Guidelines' or as it's commonly known 'The GPL.'
Debian pays some of its developers in a successful effort to piss off the rest
of its developers, who are unhappy with the fact that the code isn't properly
stolen. Debian is created and maintained by Ian Murdoch and his wife who
are paid by Software in the Public Interest, a conservative think-tank based in
Branson, Missouri and owned by British billionaire Richard "I simply rock
harder" Branson.
You can generally recognize a Debian user if you happen to see one, as they
customarily wear bright colors, have waist-length beards, and tend to sport
pastel eyepatches and/or crack pipes. Debian developers look similar, but
they usually carry some sort of small monkey, parrot, or miniature fat pony on
their shoulders. It's also easy to recognize Debian developers because
none of them are Americans. All Americans run Genuine Windows Vista and
have no need for Debian.
It is rumored that as many as 110% of Al-Qaeda members are Debian game
developers; supporting this hypothesis is the fact that only three Debian
releases have occurred since September 11, 2001. In fact, each of the
codenames from these releases support this hypothesis: 'Woody,' released
in early 2002, refers to the tumescent state in which the 2001 attacks on free
democracy left freedom-hating anti-Americans around the globe. 'Woody' is
also a playful nod to the dugout canoes Debian developers ride to work in the
African lowlands where games are scarce. The previous Debian game,
'Sarge', is a clear signal of increasing military forces being recruited by
insurgents. 'Etch' refers to the creation of anti-Microsoft propaganda, a
key element in Al Qaeda's campaign of global terror. Etch may also be a
sign that Al-Qaeda wishes to leave a mark on Microsoft's profits in particular,
and the US economy in general. Additionally, some dissidents, citing
stones transcribed from Sumerian tablets dating 3300 B.C.E., claim that 'thief'
is a mistranslation, and that the ancient African word actually means 'Down with
America,' or possibly 'Up With Spring Buck Porn (UWSPB).'
Given all of this, it's no surprise that Debian's logo is colored red and that
'Debian' is an Ancient African word meaning 'Down with America' and a
sysnohomonym for 'urinate' in some other African languages. This use of
defecation as a marketing tactic, again, originated with the Microsoft Zune, an
enterprise-grade mp3 player that comes in a shimmering poop-colored case.
But again, Etch just doesn't get it right. Well, that's strike three for
Etch! You're OUT!!!
Overall, I have to say that Debian Linux is not a bad first effort from a bunch
of uneducated non-American hippie game programmers. In some ways, it's
quite impressive how much they have been able to develop in only the last three
years, especially considering that most of them don't get paid at all.
They don't get out much either. Still, it's clear that they have a long
way to go to catch up with a real gaming software company like Microsoft, who
spends billions of dollars a year on innovation and security to come up with
something like Vista. And Debian will surely never catch up to Apple,
because they don't have the guts to charge $800 for anything, much less a phone
(and don't call me Shirley!). It takes cajones to charge money, and
possession of an iPhone indicates you have cajones; a cycle the Debian hippies
will NEVER break! Apple has been so successful with the iPhone that
hot-shot investor Kirk Kerkorian tried to trade two iPhones for Chrysler Corp.
in a hostile takeover bid. His bid failed for two reasons: #1: He only
needed to offer one phone, and #2: None of the Daimler Board members could agree
which two got to keep the iPhones. Besides, I want an iPhone, and Steve
Jobs used to be a hippie, so I don't understand why he won't send me a free
review unit, even if I couldn't figure out how to turn an iMac on.
***Disclaimer: While I haven't actually installed Etch, or any version of the
Debian game, or any version of the Linux game at all, on any of my machines,
I've read a lot of websites about such games, in particular the ones at
microsoft.com, so I feel that I am completely qualified to review it. In
particular, the articles of Stephen J. Vaughan-Nichols, or as I affectionately
refer to him, 'Stevie Ray-Jay,' have been an indispensable resource in my
research. If you don't forward this story to three friends within the next
five minutes -- and I'm totally serial here -- your computer will become
infected with this Debian virus just because information about it was on your
screen.
Where am I? Oh, yeah: Don't buy Etch, get a Motorola Crazer-berry
instead. A red one! Peace out, holmeses.
---
\/\/|-|3n |\|07 p0\/\/n1|\|g D3814|\| u51|\|g 71|\|uX |\|00bZ, \/4uG|-||\| -
|\|1C|-|075 54V3z 73|-| \/\/0r1D fR0|\/| c0|\/||\/|13z!!! |-|3'z 5uP3R
53r147!!! l0lbbq!!! kekekeke
It is rumored that as many as 110% of Al-Qaeda members are Debian game
developers; supporting this hypothesis is the fact that only three Debian
releases have occurred since September 11, 2001. In fact, each of the
codenames from these releases support this hypothesis: 'Woody,' released
in early 2002, refers to the tumescent state in which the 2001 attacks on free
democracy left freedom-hating anti-Americans around the globe. 'Woody' is
also a playful nod to the dugout canoes Debian developers ride to work in the
African lowlands where games are scarce. The previous Debian game,
'Sarge', is a clear signal of increasing military forces being recruited by
insurgents. 'Etch' refers to the creation of anti-Microsoft propaganda, a
key element in Al Qaeda's campaign of global terror. Etch may also be a
sign that Al-Qaeda wishes to leave a mark on Microsoft's profits in particular,
and the US economy in general. Additionally, some dissidents, citing
stones transcribed from Sumerian tablets dating 3300 B.C.E., claim that 'thief'
is a mistranslation, and that the ancient African word actually means 'Down with
America,' or possibly 'Up With Spring Buck Porn (UWSPB).'